Mad Twenties Song Story #12: Taking Space
We’ve made it to the last story. For this one, I decided to repost the blog I wrote directly after finishing “Taking Space” last year. I think it best represents where I was at the time and why I wrote this song. I will preface it with a couple things.
It was summer 2020 - initial height of COVID. My six year relationship had just ended and I was so very lost. This song has two chords because that’s literally all I could manage to play at the time. I was basically living at my best friends’ apartment - the thought of being alone at that point was absolutely terrifying. One night, the three of us were sitting in the living room while I was workshopping the song. Because they had been so close to me, and knew all of the details of my situation, they were able to help me find words where I couldn’t, and more than that, create a safe space for me to make this heartbreaking confession. It was such a beautiful moment to share with them and I am forever grateful for their love, support, and presence.
The video at the end of the blog was recorded a couple of weeks after moving into my own apartment (I look so sad.) At that point in time I didn’t even have plans to make an album! It is so crazy to think of how far I have come in one year. Not that circumstances got particularly easier, I just kept growing stronger. The more I invested in myself, the more opportunities came flowing in. By that, I knew I was doing something right, even though I still felt like I was walking through a sea of wet concrete. Patience and trust were the only two things that I could cling on to. I never thought I would say this, but I think 2020 was the most important year of my life. The huge tidal wave, the pivotal moment. And a really brutal end to the chapter that was my mad twenties.
This album represents so much for me. It is a time stamp for that period in my life. Thank you for following along on this journey. XOXO.
August 18th, 2020
Hi friends. I know it’s been a while. I wanted to share a little about what has been going on with me over the last few months. There are so many of us who have struggled greatly during this time, so I thought that by opening up here I could assure at least a few people that they are not alone in this season of life. First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there to support me over the course of these rough months. To all the friends, family, fans and anonymous angels who have helped pay for my rent, food and bills - I am so grateful. I literally have no idea what I would do without you all. Every donation has been such a blessing and I have never felt more supported and cared for as an artist. Like so many, most of my work lined up for 2020 evaporated into thin air at the beginning of March. I felt so let down after decades of investing time, money, education, and experience into a career in which I was able to fully support myself for over 5 years. Being unexpectedly unemployed overnight with no end in sight is a huge anxiety inducer. Not to mention the pandemic itself. I have battled with anxiety for a long time and was taking big steps to stay on top of my mental and physical health at the start of quarantine. But with each week that passed I felt myself getting weaker and weaker. I was beating myself up for not being “mentally prepared” for this kind of life event. There was a lot of pressure as a musician to use this gift of time to work on recording, write a hundred new songs, rebrand, etc. To all my friends who were able to take advantage of that - I’m SO stoked for you♥️ And to my other friends who had a hard time getting out of bed some days, and only wrote two or no new songs 🙋🏻♀️ I’m also so proud of you. And you’re not alone.
After a few months I was feeling a strong urge to release the pressures of my musical career and dive deep into some self healing. Why the hell not at a time like this? It felt like life at home was caving in and I was nearing rock bottom. On. All. Fronts. I took a solo trip out to the place I know best - my family’s cabin in the Santa Cruz Mountains. I boarded a one way flight with masks, gloves, all the hand sanitizer, a backpack full of heartache, and my dog. In California I experienced some of the lowest lows of my life. (Also some great highs 🌈😏) But it felt like my heart was just getting destroyed by a rip current - one wave after another, I couldn’t come up for air. Thank you to my sister, my mom and dad, and all of my childhood best friends who sat with me in silence, rolling joints for me while I cried, or while I went on hour-long “WHY ME!?” rants, or just didn’t take it personally when I wouldn’t call or text back for a few days. I wouldn’t have made it through without you.
It was the first time I had weeks alone to let myself really F E E L. All of the feelings. To journey into the wounds where I was bleeding from. Past and present wounds. Big and small. My therapist guiding the way. Hours of self-help books, podcasts, workbooks, journaling, watching online seminars and classes to combat issues and insecurities such as anxiety, situational depression, eating disorders, trauma, triggers, forgiveness and overall self-love. It was seven long weeks that I spent unveiling all of the shit I needed to face head on … and I did. As hard as it was, and is still, I am so grateful for the clarity and healing this time has brought me. I am also beyond grateful for the health of my family and loved ones, as I know I am extremely lucky to have that right now.
I made the decision to move into my own place in Austin and live life solo for a while. I am learning to provide love, companionship, and acceptance for myself so that in the future I can love others from a place of true authenticity. The road ahead is still very uncertain but my heart is on the mend and I am really excited to start being more vulnerable with anyone who will listen. I want to open up my energetic space to those of you who may need some extra assurance right now. We are all worthy and deserving of love and prosperity, even when we are at our worst. We are all inner-connected in this shared experience of life. Remember that EVERYTHING is impermanent, the only constant is change, and that things are always working out for you - even when you can’t see or feel it. I love you. I’m here for you. *virtual hugs* Thank you so much for reading.
