Song Stories & Lyrics
Mad Twenties - Song Story #1: “Window”
This is definitely the most ambiguous song on the album; my songwriting is not often known for its subtlety. I started “Window” in 2018 when I was living in Soquel, CA. The house was deep into the redwood forest, off Glen Haven Road. It was a perfect location for going on a multitude of plant medicine journeys.
At the beginning, the verse and the chorus were two separate songs. These were the original chorus lyrics:
Tell me it’s all in my head
Lie to me, baby
I promise I’ll forget
Cause it’s easier to stay with you
Then go home instead
Here is an old video of that version: https://www.instagram.com/p/BgH6iALnuYG/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link
It was going in the direction of another one of my sad, kind of desperate love songs. I am SO glad those lyrics and that tapestry phase didn’t stick - yikes.
Every time I start a trip, I have a moment when I’m coming up where I have to choose to trust and surrender to the process. They say to “always step through an open door” when opening up to the medicine. The “unfamiliar eyes” I talk about in the first verse refer to the spirit guide I connect with when I am under the influence of those substances. For a long time, I would get hung up on whether or not what I was experiencing was “real.” Is what I’m seeing, learning, and feeling actually there? I’ve come to find that it doesn’t matter and there is simply no way to define “realness.” Either everything is real, or nothing is real. If the takeaway has a profound and lasting effect on your life, then what is more real than that? My entire life has pivoted because of the experiences I have had exploring my own consciousness, and connecting with source energy in the most tangible way I could ever imagine. It can be disheartening to hear people discount that experience as a real transformation just because it is different from their path.
The very last verse is important. After finishing a ceremony, trip, or guided journey, integration is the most important part. Anyone can eat a mushroom and have a grand ol’ time chasing fairies in the forest and feeling love for the earth and mankind like you’ve never felt before. But the way you choose to implement those lessons into your life is where the real transformation happens, and it is not to be taken lightly.
I finished the song sometime in 2019. I remember it taking a really long time to write, and an even longer time to dial in a good live version of it. And even LONGER to decide on a title. “Illusive Line” was a working title that I could never get behind. Naming songs is not my forte. I settled on “Window” just weeks before we recorded it in March 2021.
What came to be from this drawn out writing process is a song about staying open. It’s about seeing things from a new perspective and gaining new insights - which is why I call it “Window.” It’s about opening the window outside of our mind, and being in a place to receive messages, lessons, and affirmations.
It’s meant to encourage people not to be so quick to judge another human’s spiritual path. What works for one person may not work for someone else. It’s nobody’s job or business to decide what the best way is to connect to yourself or source energy.
I love the way this song opens up the album. It is different from the rest of the tracks. Shout out to Bryce for really nailing this mix. I told him to “get trippy with it” and he did not disappoint. Thanks dude.
Window
Verse 1:
Out of the window I
See you standing
Unfamiliar eyes
Sideways glancing
Like a stranger in my mind
You let yourself in
To play with the time
And change dimension
An illusive line
Chorus:
Don’t tell me it’s all in my head
Wouldn’t lie to you, baby
I promise it’s not a lens, yeah
Something’s waiting just outside our view
A world in which our confines are dead
Past the illusive line that lives in our head
Verse 2:
Sometimes when I am alone
I get this feeling
Nowhere feels like home
Without freedom
But there’s a space inside my bones
Waiting to lift
Hollow but strong
You let yourself in
Take me to the zone
Chorus:
Don't tell me it's all in my head
Wouldn't lie to you, baby
I promise it's not a lens, yeah
Something’s waiting just outside our view
A world in which our confines are dead
Past the illusive line that lives in our head
Bridge:
Are you willing to search
Outside of yourself
Or what you think you might be?
Are you willing to go
Step into the zone
Cross over the line you've been dreaming?
Verse 3:
Out of the window I
See you standing
But with the sun in my eyes
Like you’ve been planted
In the garden of my mind
Will I water
Or will I let it run dry?
Written by Taylor Rae
Window lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #2: “Home on the Road”
“Home on the Road” is about driving to California from Colorado on I-80. My partner and I were traveling with thousands of pounds of music gear, a big red velvet chair that I found at a thrift store (apparently I couldn't live without it), a makeshift bed squeezed between everything else, and of course, a cooler full of warm beer. We had just spent six isolated weeks in Salida, CO on a ranch writing and recording music. It is a miracle we made it out there in the first place with minimal automotive issues, because on the way back when it was a million degrees, the van overheated every 20 miles. Our money was spent and we couldn’t call anyone to fix or tow it. We just had to wait it out until the weather cooled down.
There is a page in the back of my journal that reads:
September 3rd, 2015
Somewhere in NV
4:00pm
Drinking Heineken in our underwear outside of Elko, NV at a rest stop.
We are too broke to cross the state line.
We’re rich in love.
xoxo
I found this page a year or so after taking the trip. The entry was hardly legible and without complete sentences, but it sparked an idea for a song. I used two of those sentences as lyrics in the song. It was written in October of 2016.
It was a 1979 Chevy Step-Van - all black. Picture an intimidating UPS truck. The van was always the biggest pain in my ass, and really, whoevers ass was storing it for us at the time. It was my partner's “daily driver” in high school and needless to say he had an attachment to it. It got 9 mpg, on a good day, and had heavy sliding doors that could easily take off a limb if you weren't careful. We left those doors open while driving because there was no AC and no stereo. But even so, the van became a home for so many good memories.
We demoed and rebuilt it countless times to make it fit the vibe of whatever we were doing. We painted the inside purple and took it to Burning Man and other festivals where we would deck it out in tapestries and twinkly lights. We drove it across the country and back a few times; and one time, when life was at a real low, we actually lived out of it. We parked it outside of an industrial neighborhood in East LA and it got graffitied with nothing but the word “Hypes 1” in shitty blue lettering. For such a cool canvas you think they could have been more creative. Anyways, we were always grateful for the shelter it provided.
I encouraged my partner to sell the van when we moved to Austin. Some nice lady from Waco had plans to make it into a food truck. I hope they are both doing well - the van and lady, I mean.
Side note: The lyric is “It’s 104 on the side of 85” because “80” didn’t rhyme.
Home on the Road
Verse 1:
Tired of feeling so close
And living with our heads down low
Hoping we can find a little bit of ourselves
Where the rubber meets the road
You gotta prime 79 black Chevy step van
I only got one thing on my mind
And we don’t need no plan
So fire it up, breathe it in slow
Gotta do it now before we get old
Chorus:
Shake down your salty spirit
The one I used to know
Let your dreaming mind
Free your wandering soul and
We gotta whole lot more to live for
Than this town
Let’s put the old van into drive and go
Making home on the road
Verse 2:
It’s 104 on the side of 85
At a rest stop
Heat gauge red lined
And I’ve got one thought to pass the time
It ain’t so great but it could be worse
So we crack a couple cold ones to lift the curse
When all we got to cheers to
Is being alive
We may be too broke now to cross the state line
But when we got nowhere to be we can’t make bad time
Chorus:
Shake down your salty spirit
The one I used to know
Let your dreaming mind
Free your wandering soul and
We gotta whole lot more to live for
Than this town
Let’s put the old van into drive and go
Making home on the road
Written by Taylor Rae
Home on the Road lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #3: “Fixer Upper”
“Fixer Upper,” in my opinion, is my best song. The whole thing was written, start to finish, in under twenty minutes. I was sitting alone in my cabin in Santa Cruz in December of 2019 when I felt the sudden need to write the story of how my partner (at the time) and I had fallen in love. At this point we had been together for five years but for some reason I had never written about how we met.
Our story started in Los Angeles. I was 20 years old, he was 23. We had been working on music together for about a year, recording albums and trying to get my band off and running in the scene there. There was one day in particular where all of the sudden it clicked - which is what the first verse describes. At the time, let’s just say it was taboo for us to be together. We tried to rationalize our emotions and fight the feelings because in order to be together we would have had to basically throw dynamite into the middle of our lives and my band- which of course we ended up doing. The imagery used in the song describes LA. The “canyon” refers to Laurel Canyon - we used to free fall down those hills in his 78 Datsun. The endless rows of palms in the San Fernando Valley, the waves on the beaches in Malibu. The album I refer to in verse two is “AM” by Arctic Monkeys. But most importantly, I used the term “Fixer Upper” for myself because at that time I was very broken. I had been in a relationship previously that was extremely toxic and he helped me out of it, as a friend. The parallel meaning is also that he was/is an extremely handy person. He was always drawn to run down cars, houses, and things that he could rebuild with his hands. We ended up leaving our lives in LA and running away to Santa Cruz where we could be together - although that did not come without repercussions. This love story did not have a fairy tale ending but I am so grateful to have shared those pivotal years of my twenties “growing up,” so to speak, with this person.
Recording this song was very cathartic for me. What once was a song soaked in love and nostalgia turned into a melancholy memoir of our relationship. Sometimes I joke and say that my punishment for all the mistakes I made in that relationship would be that I have to play this song for the rest of my life - and his would be that he has to hear it! All jokes aside, it still remains one of my favorite songs. Will and Michelle (the producers) and the whole team of musicians and engineers cared for this song gently and really captured the magic within it. I am so grateful for that.
After finishing the song in December of 2019 I sat back and looked at it in awe. It is ironic that only six months after writing it we would end our five and a half year relationship. It doesn’t feel coincidental. Songwriters reading this will understand the feeling of not even having written it - but just simply being the vessel in the right place at the right time. It was my honor to be the one to bring it to life.
Fixer Upper
Verse 1:
When you stand there it takes the air
Right out of this whole room
I can’t help but spin this chair
And stare down at my shoes
Pre Chorus 1:
Maybe we should leave
Take a walk, shake it off
Maybe grab a coffee or tea
Drive around some neighborhood
To put our hearts at ease
Cause I feel too high, coming up
On nothing but you
It’s not the caffeine
It’s your messy hair
And the gap between your teeth
Chorus 1:
Let’s fall down this canyon
You can be my soft landing
I’ve never had it so easy
Let me be your broken lover
I know you like a fixer upper
Oh I promise I won’t leave
Verse 2:
Streets with endless palms
Go on and on so we repeat
This album we have on
Where every song tells our whole story
Pre-Chorus 2:
Hey babe what do you say
we get out of town
Maybe go and look at the waves
Get a little space from this place
To put our minds at ease
I’ll watch you stack rocks
I’m doing everything that I can
Just to squeeze this moment
Into my box of memories
Chorus 2:
Let’s fall down this mountain
You can be my soft landing
I’ve never had it so easy
Let me be your broken lover
I know you like a fixer upper
Oh I promise I won’t leave
Bridge:
We’ll spend the night on this cold
November beach
Safe from the fire we set
To the valley
We’d leave and never look back
If it was up to me
But you always make me do the right thing
Chorus 3:
We’re falling down this canyon
You can be my companion
I’ve never had it so easy
Let me be your broken lover
I know you like a fixer upper
Oh I promise I won’t leave
I won’t leave
I won’t leave
Written by Taylor Rae
Fixer Upper lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #4: “Sink or Swim”
This song was written at the beginning of 2019 when my partner and I had been fairly out of sync for a while. It’s always awkward to work on a song like this when you live with the person that you’re totally exposing. I could never date me.
We were just moving into our first house in Austin. The studio was empty and the acoustics were fantastic. I had been playing the guitar part for a while before any lyrics came; the progression always felt melancholy to me.
Here is a clip of the first known recording: "Breaking in the new studio with a new song . No title yet."
At the time, I remember feeling surface level happiness (you can kind of see it in my face in the video lol). Of course I was “happy” we just moved to Austin. I was “happy” we had an amazing house with our best friends. I was “happy” we finally had a whole room to make into a studio after years of makeshift situations. But the funny thing is I wasn’t; and neither was he. Something was off - it was our communication, and as a result of that, our connection. I take full responsibility for my part in that, as I only recently learned how to communicate effectively.
After four years (I say five in the song) of being together, it began to feel like loving each other was a conscious choice we had to make daily when things were hard. I think we were both exhausted from the push and pull.
Demonstrated in these lyrics:
Maybe I’ll try a while longer
Maybe you’ll try to stay
and
Maybe you’ll try a little harder
Maybe I’ll try to stay
We got to a point where we had to decide to really commit to each other and I remember going back and forth on that for a while - it was “sink or swim” for us. We ended up deciding to move forward with the relationship and then a year later we sank.
The song also reminisces on a time where love was easier. The second verse alludes to the glimpses of fun and connection we would still experience every so often.
I love how the Beatles influences came through on the recording of this track. The nostalgic sounds of the 60s match the lyrical content perfectly. There is also a splash of early Norah Jones in there. The instrumentation was beautifully executed. I love the drum intro and the upright bass. Dave’s guitar tone brings a warm vintage feel to the mix. Enjoy </3
Sink or Swim
Verse 1:
Come on over darlin’
It’s sink or swim
Falling out and into love
And out again
Sit down here
We’ll find a way to make amends
If we don't does that mean
This is the end?
Chorus:
Maybe I’ll try a while longer
Maybe you'll try to stay
Dreaming about getting stronger
But thinking of yesterday
Verse 2:
It's been five years
I don't know what to say
I still learn something new about you
Every damn day
So honey tell me why it is that
We fall away
I will do my best to choose to
Love you anyway
Chorus:
So maybe you’ll try a little harder
Maybe I’ll try to stay
Dreaming about getting stronger
But thinking of yesterday
Come on over darling
I hope we swim
Written by Taylor Rae
Sink or Swim lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #5: “Letting You Go”
A lot of people automatically think this one is about my ex, as many songs on the album are. However, “Letting You Go” was written at the end of 2018 about a friendship that I needed to take a step away from. It was a pivotal time in my self development. I was learning how to set boundaries and break some unhealthy people-pleasing habits. It was a very uncomfortable process. This particular song is about a friendship I had to let go of after years of feeling like what I was doing was never enough. I played the role of the caretaker. I was spending more time making sure everyone else’s emotional needs were met, in turn leaving mine out to dry. Most of the time this had very little to do with them and everything to do with my ability to communicate and speak my truth and sometimes just flat out say “No.” Over the years I have found that it all boils down to self-love and worthiness. It is so easy to blame everyone else’s behavior for your own negative feelings but really, you teach people how to treat you and they can only love you as much as you love yourself.
I am happy to say I am friends with this person again and we are able to maintain a really balanced dynamic now.
The producer, Will, and I took on the influences of strong female voices for the recording of this one. We told the band to go for a Janis Joplin, Bonnie Raitt, Grace Potter feel. They totally nailed it. This is one of my favorite tracks. Singing this one feels so empowering.
Letting You Go
Verse 1:
By letting you stay
I’m stealing from myself
Hearing you say
Your ideas are worth more than anyone else's
I can't keep my vibe high
Honey, oh I feel your pain
But I can't keep up with this life
Living in the shadow of your vein
So, I'm letting you go
Verse 2:
Your words they stick
Like tar on a summer's day
And I’ve done everything I can
To not let them scar
But I always knew that there’d come a day
And maybe I'm not the best
At saying what's on my brain
Oh, you never let me forget that
But I find it especially hard
When I got to do it every damn day
So, I'm letting you go
Bridge:
I’ll be okay
I remember how to find my own way
I can do what I want again
Without having to get it approved by you
At the end of each day
If I let you stay…
By letting you stay
I’m stealing from myself
Written by Taylor Rae
Letting You Go lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #6: “Never Gonna Do”
I was sitting in Doug Messenger’s studio in North Hollywood off Lankershim Blvd. It was 2014? My band and I were recording our EP, “Gettin’ High to Stay Low,” (please don’t listen to it) and I remember waiting a hundred years to get the drum tones dialed in. I shut myself into the isolated piano room and wrote “Never Gonna Do.” One sitting. My band at the time was very much swimming in the Southern Rock genre - Derek Trucks, Govt. Mule, Grace Potter - so naturally everything I wrote had to be in drop D tuning.
I think I was also watching a lot of “House of Cards” at the time as well. Lol.
I was just starting to get into politics and social justice issues when I had this overwhelming realization that the people in power, whether that be in government, church, or the corporate world, were actually all heavily influenced by money and self interest. WOW! SHOCKER! But really, that was a rough bubble to pop at 20 years old when I had spent so many years trusting and looking up to their wisdom, promises, and success. There is a lot I could go into here about the ever-failing systems in this country, but I am just going to keep it short and …. well, “sweet” isn’t the right word. There is already enough depressing shit to read in this world.
This is one of the oldest songs on the album and definitely one of my favorites. I turn this one on to power-up.
Never Gonna Do
Verse 1:
He’s lost his mind
But it's part of their plan
Runs through the desert
With a gun in his hand
We’re all running in circles
Like they want us to
While Mr. Suit and Tie argue over brunch
Over what they’re
Never gonna do for you
Oh for you
Verse 2:
Easy to look like the hero
When you made the mess
You’re the one with the answers
Cause you wrote the test
Beggars can’t be choosers but I don’t choose
To listen to you
I thought that was our right
But you took that too
Written by Taylor Rae
Never Gonna Do lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #7: “5:25”
This song went through many different sets of lyrics. I loved the jazzy uniqueness of the guitar part so much that I really wanted the lyrics to be special. It took me about three months to write.
I finally landed on the concept of re-discovering your inner child. At the time, I was working with my therapist on self-love. Starting out, I found it easier to be kinder to my child self than to my adult self, so I would practice talking to myself the way I would talk to the tiny human standing in the mirror in front of me. It was reeeaaally challenging after all of the years I spent neglecting her.
I have been faced with a lot of truths about this kind of work - especially during my plant medicine ceremonies (specifically ayahuasca) where I was able to personally connect and hang out with my inner-child. I sat with her and told her she is safe and worthy and that my adult self would always be there for her, even when others hadn’t been or could not be. After that ceremony, my mom framed a photo of me at five years old to keep as a reference. It is a practice and a journey I will be on for the rest of my life.
So back to the song - I was 25 years old and starting to feel jaded. It was becoming harder to access that childlike joy when playing, writing, or recording music. I was also feeling discouraged about where I was at in my career and scared that my time was running out to follow my dream. I think almost every musician/artist has this wave of crippling self doubt at some point in their life.
The song title “5:25” refers to the time of day as well as my age.
In the first verse:
“It’s 5:25 now, and my train hasn’t come.” - The train being a symbol for my music career.
In the bridge:
“I’m trying to find 5 in 25” - Meaning age five in age twenty-five.
I love the Bossa Nova groove the band and I found on this one. It adds the perfect feeling of bittersweetness to the push and pull of the melody. There is a dissonance in the music that reflects the unsettled feeling we all experience at that age.
5:25
Verse 1:
I’m stubborn sitting by while
My legs want to run
But it's 5:25 now
And my train hasn't come
And I wanna go home
But I am too far gone
Verse 2:
I don't know if I’d make it
If I left right now
So how long can I fake it
Before I figure it out
And I've held my position
I've held my tongue
But this child's intuition has strung me along
And she just wants to go home
To the place I’ve buried my bones
To remind me that I’m not
Too far gone
Bridge:
I'm trying to find five in twenty-five
The child inside this
Jaded mind
I'm trying to find a way to revive
The glow inside this
Faded light
I'm trying to find a way to survive
Oh please don’t leave me
Behind
Written by Taylor Rae
5:25 lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #8: “Just Be”
“Just Be” was finished in 2016 just after taking my first solo trip to Nashville. I remember sitting on my friend Sydney’s front porch on a beautiful November afternoon, soaking in the inspiring week that I had there, and noodling on a 12 bar blues.
Earlier that year I had finally moved home to Santa Cruz from LA. The years that I lived in LA were long and hard, and when I finally made it out, I wanted nothing to do with the music industry. I just wanted to play gigs and not have to pay the venue to do so.
Upon arriving in Nashville, I immediately noticed the stark contrast between cities. Both music towns, both industry hubs - completely different cultures. Everyone in Nashville was… nice. The vibe when I walked into a writing room with strangers was oddly comfortable. There was a sense of drive and hard work without the energy of busyness. The overall pace of life just felt so much more sustainable.
The lyrics in the first verse are country cliches: “Front porch,” “Dirt Road,” “Cherry Wine.” I wanted it to be obvious that I was talking about Nashville - or just the southern lifestyle in general. I finished this song just days before the 2016 election (eeeeeeee) and so in the second verse I used Hilary’s campaign slogan, “Stronger Together.”
I wanted to write about the importance of taking the time to accept each moment presently, instead of being in a constant desperate search for your place in the industry (or society). At 22, this was a very forign concept to me.
Back in Southern California
Running in a rat race
I was learning how to relax and let go of “the grind” & survival mentality.
I ain’t going back there
Oh, that’s a bed I made
So I’ll sip on some of what he's got
And call it a day
I still travel to Nashville very often, and I do love the city, but I am so happy to be living in a place (Austin, TX) where local music and live shows are the main focus, as opposed to the industry.
We wanted to take a laid back, casual approach to the recording, so we did this whole thing in one take - no overdubs. We even left Wayne’s count in to make the track feel more raw. It's a fun, dirty bar blues jam. I probably listen to this one the most on the album.
Just Be
Verse 1:
He was sitting on his front porch
Singing about a dirt road
Sipping his cherry wine
He said “Tay, this never gets old”
And I’m gonna tell you why
It’s called a simple life
So unwind your mind and give it a try
Verse 2:
Back in Southern California
Running in a rat race
I can’t get no real love
Oh, I need a slower pace
So I ain’t going back there
Oh, that’s a bed I made
So I’ll sip on some of what he’s got
And call it a day
Chorus:
Sometimes we get so caught up
In what it takes to be free
Mining for the few things that we can’t
Buy with money
I’m picking up your message
What your laying down for me
The key to being happy is to just be
Verse 3:
Lately we forget
That we’ve got all the control
If we can still teach our minds
How to feed our soul
Every day is a choice
And I know it ain’t an easy one
But we can’t be stronger together if we all run
Written by Taylor Rae
Just Be lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #9: “Something Familiar”
I think it was April 2016, I was 22 years old. This song has a specific but unimportant source of inspiration; it was written about experiencing an instant connection with a stranger.
“Something Familiar” was the first song that took me out of my blues, southern-rock style and into more of a jazz influenced sound. The first time I played it live there was an adorable young British couple celebrating their anniversary. They got up and danced to the song in the redwood grove under the cute romantic outdoor lights from Costco - you know the ones. I knew right then it was always going to be one of my favorites to play. They came up and told me how much they enjoyed it and asked if I had it recorded anywhere. Well, here we are five years later. I hope they hear it someday and remember that moment too.
Sometimes when I meet someone for the first time, or even see them from afar, a light goes off as if I know them from somewhere else, and it isn’t always a romantic feeling. When I worked at a local coffee shop, sometimes a customer would come in and there would be an instant connection. Sometimes I would see them every five months, sometimes never again, and most times I would never even learn their name, but there was always a rush of excitement to run into them, because for some reason, they felt familiar. This concept has always intrigued me.
This song took on a deeper level of meaning over the last year. I believe certain souls can travel through many lives together. When you come across someone, even if just for a brief moment, it can feel almost like deja-vu. The energy is so much stronger because of the layers of dimensional history between you in the human and spirit worlds.
The piano played on the recording of this song is my favorite on the whole album. During the instrumental bridge, Chris plays a descending line over the Emaj7 - Gmaj7 - F#m7 that melts me every single time I hear it. It might be my favorite moment on the whole album. This is the only song I had to re-record the vocals for after the initial session. When I was listening through the rough mixes, it sounded to me like I was trying way too hard. I was annoying myself. I went back and did one take where I just gave up all effort. That’s the one we went with. I love how relaxed and simple it is. And I hope you love it too.
Something Familiar
Verse 1:
When I’ve got you on the brain
My body doesn’t work the same
You make me feel
Some kind of way
I don't know if its a change
If my life’s supposed to rearrange
But I don't have time to
Make up my mind I’m
Going in blind
Chorus:
You feel something familiar
Like a, somewhat of a blur
So sweet, the memory tastes on my teeth
Hazy, hazy now
I'm about to turn around and see
If you’re there waiting for me
Verse 2:
Tell me lonely bachelor
Have I seen you in here before?
Once or twice
or maybe more?
Seems like only yesterday
I was shaking your hand
And relearning your name and
Now I've dreamt of sharing funny cigarettes
Chorus:
You feel something familiar
Like a, somewhat of a blur
So sweet, the memory tastes on my teeth
Hazy, hazy now
I'm about to turn around and see
If you’re there waiting for me
Bridge:
You feel something familiar
Like a, somewhat of a blur
So sweet, the memory tastes on my teeth
Hazy, hazy now
I'm about to turn around and see
If you’re there waiting for me
If you’re there waiting for me
You’re there waiting for me
Written by Taylor Rae
Something Familiar lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #10: “Forgiveness”
“Forgiveness” is the oldest song on the record. I wrote it when I was 19 years old - maybe I had JUST turned 20. The full story behind this one is a litttllleee too personal but I’ll give you the short version. Basically, if you couldn’t tell from listening, I was really fucking mad at the person I was seeing. After a very dramatic scene one morning, I ran away from LA for the weekend and wrote this song.
There’s no room in my head/bed for your forgiveness - During this particular... um ... spat we had, neither of us could or would admit fault. I didn’t want his forgiveness because I felt that I didn’t do anything that had to be forgiven, and that it was a backwards way for him to get me to admit I was wrong.
Looking back - I was wrong. Lol. I take full responsibility for my part in that shit show.
The original lyrics to the second verse were:
Oh yeah, you best believe
I’ll take all of your things
Like they belong to me
And I’ll start with your six string
Oh, and your leftover gin
And I’ll leave behind
All your trouble and your sin
Like was I really planning on stealing his guitar? So dumb. Years later, when I revived the song, I changed those lyrics.
The gin reference is significant because at the time we were splitting a bottle of Seagrams (lime) almost every night. So, the relationship wasn't exactly built on a strong foundation and it opened my eyes to the ugly (and sometimes fun) truths about alcohol. Youth is often an excuse for excess drinking, but I learned that it can quickly and easily get out of control. We both made a lot of mistakes because of it.
He was the guitarist in my band, so naturally we ended up getting back together. This song actually ended up on our setlist quite often - he hated it, obviously. I’ve said it before: dating songwriters is a risky business.
After many years, we are friends again and can miraculously laugh about this shit.
There is a lot of young, immature angst behind this song so we decided to channel that in the studio. Led Zeppelin was our big influence on this track. The Robert Plant vocals at the end of the song are a kind of ode to my old rock band phase - it’s been a while since I’ve belted like that. I’ve never screamed into a $7,000 mic before (Neumann U67). It’s kind of a funny coincidence, but at the time we were together, he had a homemade Zoso tattoo on his shoulder. Not sure if that’s still there, but anyways, it all came full circle.
Forgiveness
Verse 1:
Oh, Lord
I think I’ve done it again
Oh, I’ve mistaken
Another boy for a man
Oh, boy
You think you have my pride
But you’ll be wondering where I am
While you’re alone getting high
Tag:
But there’s no room in my head
For your forgiveness
Verse 2:
Oh, yeah
You best believe I can see
How you’re getting along
So poorly without me
And it’ll take more than your six string
Oh, and your leftover gin
For me to leave behind
All your troubles and your sin
Tag:
But there’s no room in my bed
For your forgiveness
There’s no room in my head
There’s no room in my heart
There’s no room in my life
For your forgiveness
Your forgiveness
Your forgiveness
Your forgiveness
Written by Taylor Rae
Forgiveness lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties - Song Story #11: “Wait and See”
This song was sparked by a little rumor I heard. There was someone out in the world whom I had never met, but who always caught my eye on social media and whatnot. Not in a way where I would ever act on it, obviously, but someone who just always seemed interesting to me. (ie: The “Something Familiar” song story.)
After the break-up from hell, I was a puddle of a human. Shell-like. One day, out of the blue, a mutual friend mentioned that this person had shown some interest in me. I was shocked they even knew who I was. At the time I was nowhere even remotely close to romanticizing the idea of spending time with anyone. I had nothing to give and was still processing a mountain of grief. However, I was intrigued.
Nobody knows the space you take up in my head
I can’t forget what you said
About me
Then the spark took on a little more momentum and I couldn't get this phrase I had heard out of my head. I noticed I was thinking about them a lot. I tried to convince myself that it was nothing and literally thought of every reason not to like this person. That didn’t work, but I knew there was nothing that could be done about it - so I wrote a song instead.
My heart decided to go on right ahead
And fan your flame instead
Of bark up your tree
This is the newest song on the album. It was a full surrender to the path my life had taken. As much as I wanted to be healed and ready to move on, I was still completely emotionally unavailable. I would get excited at the prospect of new love but then realize that I still had a lot of work to do on my own before I could let anyone else in.
I’m still 100 miles away
So there’s nothing left to do but wait
And see
After finishing the song, it was hard for me to sing. The second verse always brought me to tears. I so desperately wanted to feel better and to climb out of the rut I was in. I fantasized about the day that I wouldn’t wake up in pain.
Only time will tell
If I’ve done well
One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And I’ll feel like myself
It’s a song about being tired and weary but hopeful. This time in my life was a lesson in patience and seeking validation in my own self love practices - not from any outside sources. It was the first time I had chosen to honor myself and my space instead of distracting with what I knew could only be temporary.
I can’t make no
Promises, oh
I got to do this on my own
Even if that means letting you go
Patience always pays off…
Oh the future is bright
When I see myself
In your company
To me, this song represents acceptance. It acts as a beacon of hope at the end of a long, hard chapter and I love the way it rounds out the album. Recording this one was so fun because it was new enough that I had never played it with a band. A total blank canvas. It took on the life I always hoped it would. It has a laid back pocket, raspy, tired vocals and some fiery B3. All of my favorite things.
Wait and See
Verse 1:
I’m so tired
Of keeping up
I’ve been trying and trying
It never feels like enough
I don’t have time
So I let it slide
Hoping one day
I’ll find a way
To tow your line
Chorus:
Nobody knows
The space you take up in my head
I can’t forget what you said
About me
My heart decided to go on right ahead
And fan your flame instead
Of bark up your tree
Oh the future is bright
When I see myself in your company
But I’m still 100 miles away
So there’s nothing left to do but wait
And see
Verse 2:
Only time will tell
If I’ve done well
One day I’ll wake up in the morning
And I'll feel like myself
It’d be easier to stay
In my same old ways
I’ll do the work to make a change
Maybe then, oh, I can meet you halfway
Chorus:
Cause nobody knows
The space you take up in my head
I can’t forget what you said
About me
My heart decided to go on right ahead
And fan your flame instead
Of bark up your tree
Oh the future is bright
When I see myself in your company
But I’m still 100 miles away
So there’s nothing left to do but wait
And see
Bridge:
I can’t make no promises
Oh I gotta do this on my own
Even if that means letting you go
Chorus:
Cause nobody knows
The space you take up in my head
I can’t forget what you said
About me
My heart decided to go on right ahead
And fan your flame instead
Of bark up your tree
Oh the future is bright
When I see myself in your company
But I’m still 100 miles away
So there’s nothing left to do but wait
And see
Written by Taylor Rae
Wait and See lyrics © TaylorRaeMusic (ASCAP)
Mad Twenties Song Story #12: Taking Space
We’ve made it to the last story. For this one, I decided to repost the blog I wrote directly after finishing “Taking Space” last year. I think it best represents where I was at the time and why I wrote this song. I will preface it with a couple things.
It was summer 2020 - initial height of COVID. My six year relationship had just ended and I was so very lost. This song has two chords because that’s literally all I could manage to play at the time. I was basically living at my best friends’ apartment - the thought of being alone at that point was absolutely terrifying. One night, the three of us were sitting in the living room while I was workshopping the song. Because they had been so close to me, and knew all of the details of my situation, they were able to help me find words where I couldn’t, and more than that, create a safe space for me to make this heartbreaking confession. It was such a beautiful moment to share with them and I am forever grateful for their love, support, and presence.
The video at the end of the blog was recorded a couple of weeks after moving into my own apartment (I look so sad.) At that point in time I didn’t even have plans to make an album! It is so crazy to think of how far I have come in one year. Not that circumstances got particularly easier, I just kept growing stronger. The more I invested in myself, the more opportunities came flowing in. By that, I knew I was doing something right, even though I still felt like I was walking through a sea of wet concrete. Patience and trust were the only two things that I could cling on to. I never thought I would say this, but I think 2020 was the most important year of my life. The huge tidal wave, the pivotal moment. And a really brutal end to the chapter that was my mad twenties.
This album represents so much for me. It is a time stamp for that period in my life. Thank you for following along on this journey. XOXO.
August 18th, 2020
Hi friends. I know it’s been a while. I wanted to share a little about what has been going on with me over the last few months. There are so many of us who have struggled greatly during this time, so I thought that by opening up here I could assure at least a few people that they are not alone in this season of life. First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who has been there to support me over the course of these rough months. To all the friends, family, fans and anonymous angels who have helped pay for my rent, food and bills - I am so grateful. I literally have no idea what I would do without you all. Every donation has been such a blessing and I have never felt more supported and cared for as an artist. Like so many, most of my work lined up for 2020 evaporated into thin air at the beginning of March. I felt so let down after decades of investing time, money, education, and experience into a career in which I was able to fully support myself for over 5 years. Being unexpectedly unemployed overnight with no end in sight is a huge anxiety inducer. Not to mention the pandemic itself. I have battled with anxiety for a long time and was taking big steps to stay on top of my mental and physical health at the start of quarantine. But with each week that passed I felt myself getting weaker and weaker. I was beating myself up for not being “mentally prepared” for this kind of life event. There was a lot of pressure as a musician to use this gift of time to work on recording, write a hundred new songs, rebrand, etc. To all my friends who were able to take advantage of that - I’m SO stoked for you♥️ And to my other friends who had a hard time getting out of bed some days, and only wrote two or no new songs 🙋🏻♀️ I’m also so proud of you. And you’re not alone.
After a few months I was feeling a strong urge to release the pressures of my musical career and dive deep into some self healing. Why the hell not at a time like this? It felt like life at home was caving in and I was nearing rock bottom. On. All. Fronts. I took a solo trip out to the place I know best - my family’s cabin in the Santa Cruz Mountains. I boarded a one way flight with masks, gloves, all the hand sanitizer, a backpack full of heartache, and my dog. In California I experienced some of the lowest lows of my life. (Also some great highs 🌈😏) But it felt like my heart was just getting destroyed by a rip current - one wave after another, I couldn’t come up for air. Thank you to my sister, my mom and dad, and all of my childhood best friends who sat with me in silence, rolling joints for me while I cried, or while I went on hour-long “WHY ME!?” rants, or just didn’t take it personally when I wouldn’t call or text back for a few days. I wouldn’t have made it through without you.
It was the first time I had weeks alone to let myself really F E E L. All of the feelings. To journey into the wounds where I was bleeding from. Past and present wounds. Big and small. My therapist guiding the way. Hours of self-help books, podcasts, workbooks, journaling, watching online seminars and classes to combat issues and insecurities such as anxiety, situational depression, eating disorders, trauma, triggers, forgiveness and overall self-love. It was seven long weeks that I spent unveiling all of the shit I needed to face head on … and I did. As hard as it was, and is still, I am so grateful for the clarity and healing this time has brought me. I am also beyond grateful for the health of my family and loved ones, as I know I am extremely lucky to have that right now.
I made the decision to move into my own place in Austin and live life solo for a while. I am learning to provide love, companionship, and acceptance for myself so that in the future I can love others from a place of true authenticity. The road ahead is still very uncertain but my heart is on the mend and I am really excited to start being more vulnerable with anyone who will listen. I want to open up my energetic space to those of you who may need some extra assurance right now. We are all worthy and deserving of love and prosperity, even when we are at our worst. We are all inner-connected in this shared experience of life. Remember that EVERYTHING is impermanent, the only constant is change, and that things are always working out for you - even when you can’t see or feel it. I love you. I’m here for you. *virtual hugs* Thank you so much for reading.